wandering & wRESTling to the way
Some kids grow up dreaming of becoming professional athletes. I don’t know how they know but they just do. They pick up that bat, ball, racket, club and there is an insatiable desire to play and be the best. They look up to the stars of the game and hope to be them one day. This picture you just imagined in your head of a little kid beaming with joy, playing their favorite sport hoping to compete at the highest level was not me. I never dreamed about playing on the LPGA when I was a kid.
My sister and I were the twins who got dragged along to the range with our dad to hit some balls, got signed up for lessons, started playing tournaments, won some trophies and ended up playing collegiately. We chose to pursue golf, but it wasn’t an instant love for the game. It’s been a journey. My passion for the game has grown over time. It has been a slow burn and the flame really started to catch during the latter half of college. My love for the game, desire to practice, and drive to compete grew. That in combination with my collegiate success led me to turn pro. I wasn’t sure where this journey would take me, but I definitely didn’t think it would be where God has me right now.
When I turned pro five years ago it was all exciting and new. I was young, sprightley and ready to do or go anywhere for golf. There was a new level of accountability and a lot of new things to learn. Finally, with a few years under my belt I felt like I had a good handle on things — an awesome coaching team, supportive sponsors, healthy family, great community and a solid relationship with God. But somewhere along the way I let all the non-golf fluff that comes with playing professionally rob my joy for the game. It became a challenge to get myself to the golf course every day. My time spent at the course practicing and playing was out of obligation and not out of a desire to improve. I knew something was truly wrong this summer, right at the peak of the season, when dread and tears proceeded my trips to the course. A tournament concluded one week in mid-July I cried on my way to the airport and for the 2 hours waiting for my plane. I hit a deep low.
The weeks following my meltdown were extremely challenging. I had so many emotions, conflicting thoughts and no idea where to place them. I was tired, frustrated, sad, weary, didn’t know who I was and was also battling lingering elbow pain. I pushed myself through the next two tournaments and finally decided to completely take a step back from competing. I was in desperate need of rest, healing and renewal. I had unknowingly put my identity in performance, was living at an unsustainable pace and relying on my own strength. God so kindly met me in my brokenness. The time away from golf gave God space to minister and speak, remind me of His true character and transform my heart to live in deeper communion with Him. My step back really cleared my mind to help me consider if I should keep playing or transition into something new.
Taking a break
I took three months off from golf completely. I wish I could say the time resting and processing was easy, but it was completely unfamiliar territory. There has never been a time in my adult life where I have been completely detached from the game. I was so used to being on the go. I didn't know how to be still. My brain was so used to constantly thinking about how I can improve, it was difficult to turn off. On top of that, the hardest part was feeling guilty for resting. It felt wrong to be taking time to myself and not actively pursuing new opportunities if I was seriously going to transition away from golf.
I didn’t understand why I felt so guilty for taking a break. I felt comfortable with a few weeks off, but the thought of any more than that seemed outrageous. After some conversations and processing it dawned on me-- I didn’t know how to rest! Ever since I was kid I had something going on after school or on the weekends. You name it, I probably did some form of it: music, art, dance, extra math classes, the list goes on. Though it was such a privilege to have the opportunity to try so many different things and then ultimately have the choice to focus on one I wanted, which ended up being golf, it also left me no time to really be free and be a kid.
This childhood experience left me as an adult with no grid for what it truly feels like to do things for joy and delight with no agenda. I was so used to being in control, on a schedule and looking to the next thing. I did not feel freedom to make choices that were just for me and my mental health. I lacked decisiveness and questioned everything now.
Right at the start of my time of rest I got invited on a trip to Yosemite, already fully planned. I just had to show up. I had no plans, should be a no brainer yes right? It wasn’t. I thought, “Oh if I'm not golfing, I need to be home thinking about what's next.” I was under these skewed thought patterns that I needed to always be doing something productive. When what I really needed was time to clear my head, not fill it with more decisions. Yosemite and time in nature was exactly what I needed, not ruminating on my own thoughts. I talked it over with my sports psych and she really encouraged me and gave me permission to go. It’s weird to say that her giving me permission was what it took because I'm an adult: I have total freedom to do what I want. But I think it was because my thought patterns around success and achievement were so unhealthy. I found my value in what I did and if it wasn't golf I needed to have what was next figured out. I am so happy I said yes to the trip to Yosemite because it really began the process of my healing emotionally and mentally. And from then, the Lord would also graciously break off that guilt, rewire my thinking and lead me to trust Him so much more.
After a month of wrestling with how much time I planned to rest, one day on the plane en route to Nashville for a wedding, God prompted me to start journaling. I poured my heart out to God and he totally responded. He affirmed that if He was calling me to more rest He would provide--places to stay, people to support and simply anything I needed. That was exactly what I needed to hear and in that moment I surrendered my timeline and everything I thought I should be doing. With that one small shift in my heart God really began to move immediately. I touched down in Nashville with a text from a friend encouraging me in this season and inviting me to spend time with her in Georgia.
During my time there, God really began to speak. One morning while enjoying my coffee and just sitting with God, He began speaking truth over lies I was believing about needing to stay in golf. Those truths released me and I felt a deep peace that I would be okay if I walked away from golf. That was the first moment I really felt freedom to transition away from golf if that was where God was leading. Moments and testimonies like these are small, but so significant. It started with my small heart shift, God used it and then thoughtfully provided exactly what I needed in space, environment and timing to experience him.
Head to Heart
God will use anything to draw us close to him. For me, He has used golf to grow my faith, see His provision, and expose the need to form my life around Him. When I took a step back from competing, I trusted that God would bring clarity and lead me. What I didn’t expect was the deeper heart and spiritual transformation that He would bring.
With the new found freedom to transition out of golf that I discovered in Atlanta, I returned home feeling ready to start exploring new opportunities for what could be next. I was excited, but had one last call set up with a new connection who I knew could offer a helpful perspective because he plays on tour too. I wasn’t totally sure how the call was going to go, but it ended up being the conversation that changed my whole perspective and prompted me to reconsider coming back to competition. He gave me insights and ideas no one else had previously mentioned that really made sense and made me want to play and practice again. Our conversation left me super encouraged. Now, I had some serious prayer and processing to do though because coming back to golf shifted to the front-running option.
This call changed everything and it was truly God’s timing because it came at a time where my heart was ready to receive the perspective this person offered, but also because it was right before a solitude trip I was planning. In recent months I heard multiple Christian leaders preach about the importance of solitude and how it was a big part of Jesus’ ministry. It was always something I wanted to do and finally the timing aligned for me to get my own time away alone. I spent four days in Stinson beach, no technology, just my Bible, books, journal and Jesus, and they were some of the most transformative days I have had in a very long time. It was so sweet to wake up each day with Jesus, go slow, have no agenda, take long walks and be still.
I wanted my time of solitude to be a simple time of receiving from Jesus, allowing him to do whatever he wanted, but I also was in the midst of some serious life decisions so I did spend quality time really seeking his heart for what was next. In my searching, I felt a deep sense of his nearness. I was reminded that he has been with me every step of the way and he is going to continue to prepare the way. As I prayed into life decisions, God reminded me that he is not only the creator, but the author. He is writing the story and I felt like He said the story with golf wasn’t done. There is still more to do there together. It was an exciting answer, but an answer that honestly also came with doubts, fears and feelings of negativity. In my questioning though, God affirmed that I could trust him and He would be near. He had never failed me and he wasn't going to do so now. He's calling me to live in greater dependence on him and going back to golf is going to require that.
Rich Villodas in his book Deeply Formed Life writes, “the inner and outer distractions minimize the capacity for us to see God’s activity around and within us” and that is exactly what happened to me. I got distracted. In life there will always be distractions, but where I fell was how I mishandled managing them. I did not have them in their rightful places behind God. I was burning out because I had taken my eyes off God. I was going through the motions of quiet time and prayer, but wasn't truly communing with and allowing God to care for me. I was living at an unsustainable pace. I lost sight of God’s vision and as a result I was letting the world form me instead of God.
As I look back, God’s prompting to take time to rest this summer and fall was an invitation. An invitation into deeper communion with God to move beyond head knowledge to spiritual knowledge. To move past the order and structures of what I thought I needed to do for God to just simply be with him. He simply brought me to deeper revelation and understanding of the reality of his nearness, faithfulness and character. He withdrew me to show me how to walk in step with Him. Mark Sayers sums up my experience, why we get lost and what I believe God is calling us back to beautifully in his book Disappearing Church--
“We are invited into a new mode of living, one marked by a deep and constant communion with God. False cultural narratives tempt us to find success elsewhere apart from God’s design; they encourage us to empower ourselves with sources apart from God. Having been withdrawn, broken from the false narrative, and gaining insight into our own flaws, we are invited to move from striving in our own power to abiding in God’s strength. “ (Sayers, 156)
God helped break me away from the false cultural narratives fueled by sources apart from God I had been tempted by. He showed me that the pace I was living at was unsustainable for the long term. We are called to the sabbath, for our work not to be an idol and to partner with Jesus for renewal. How do we do that? By living lives truly centered around God and upholding God’s vision of work and faith as one. And it’s not by our own strength that we are fueled by, but His spirit and wisdom. He makes our paths straight. The words of Psalm 37 have really helped root me in this season and they are words I will continue to cling onto as I orient my rhythms around him: “Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices.” Psalm 37: 3-7
Back Again
When I look back at this last season I am grateful. Grateful for God’s mercy and kindness. Grateful for family and community. Grateful for deeper formation and understanding for who I am in God. Grateful that God is leading me back to golf. The journey continues and I return to playing with a new perspective, a transformed heart and greater faith. A heart more tender toward God, a spirit more committed to faithfulness and a mind more fixed on God’s mission and vision for my life.
I am excited and hopeful for what is ahead. I have always loved dreaming with God and have been one to have plans, but as I step into this new season I have released expectations and wanting to have the whole picture. God is showing me what is next and giving me enough for that. He is a lamp unto our feet, Psalm 119:105. We just need to be faithful to take the next step and faithful with the little. God simply wants our attention on him and for us to courageously follow him daily.
As this season of rest nears its end and I return to golf and to fuller days of training to prepare for next season, my prayer is that I would continue to be fully yielded to God, living by his ways over my own. This has been the most transformative time of my life and being able to have the space to experience God to greater depths was invaluable. I see Him clearer, I better understand who I am as a daughter made to worship, and I more deeply enjoy the moments that require patience, stillness, and waiting on God in the journey.
Life can be so unexpected, but through it all God is always so faithful and he writes the best stories. The story with golf continues and as God continues to write mine, I pray that you too would surrender to his way and let God be the author. I pray that you would give yourself time to rest, be still and delight in God and things that bring you joy. I pray that you would open your heart to be transformed by the love of God and live in fullness of who He created you to be. He is available and able, say yes to the invitation. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.